Underneath It All
by Adarian
Summary: Hawke is finding it difficult to tell something about himself to his future lover. She surprises him with her understanding. Fluff. Written as a kink meme request.


Hawke did not understand why he was so nervous as he paced back and forth in Aveline's office, waiting impatiently for the Guard Captain to have a moment for him. He eventually sat on her desk, hands in his hair, tapping his foot as Aveline finally walked in the door.

"Hawke," Aveline grumbled, "Get off my desk. I have chairs, you know."

Hawke stood, pacing still as Aveline sat behind her desk.

"Well?" She asked.

"Promise not to make fun of me?" Hawke asked sheepishly.

"Maker, this must be something," Aveline grinned, folding her arms over her chest, "Spit it out, Hawke. I haven't got all day."

"It's Isabela," Hawke said, sitting down, "I want to…tell her."

"Oh," Aveline's face softened, "So you are serious about the slattern…and you're worried when she's got your knickers off, she's going to be surprised."

Hawke nodded, grumbling, "I want it to be…spontaneous, but I'm…scared. It's the first time…like this."

Aveline smiled, "You know what I'm going to say. It's the same thing Leandra would say if you talked to her. Without the lecture about pirate venereal disease. If she can't handle it and find you handsome the way you are, then she's not worth your time, Hawke. You know that."

"I know," Hawke said, sighing, "But I really really like her."

Aveline chuckled, "You in puppy love is pretty adorable. This is making my day."

Hawke coughed, "Donnic."

Aveline stuck her tongue out at him, "Fine. Just talk to her. I'm here if you need me afterwards, you know that. I'll keep the brandy out."

"Comforting," Hawke said, rising to his feet.

"Lee," Aveline said gently, "It's going to be alright…but good luck."

Hawke gave a mock salute and walked out of the door.

oOoOoOoOo

Aveline had been right about exactly what Leandra would say. After a firm reminder of safe sex practices and a few "oh my baby"s, Leandra was willing to go to Gamlen's for the afternoon so Hawke could have some privacy with Isabela.

Hawke was pissed off at himself for being this scared. It had been over a decade since he had presented himself as a man. His parents had both been incredibly supportive, his father honoured when Hawke chose the first name "Lee" after his father's middle name. He was comfortable with himself…most of the time. Years of swordplay had defined his torso and arms. Combining that with binding clothing, he presented himself to the world as a strong male. When dressed in the mirror, he saw the man he had always known he was.

But he never liked to veer from that image. He didn't look at himself naked often and rarer still did he let someone else see him that way. Since arriving in Kirkwall, he had only spoken of it with Aveline, whom he trusted above anyone else. He did not feel that how he looked naked changed how much of a man he was, though that had taken a long and troubled adolescence to work through.

But he was terrified the minute Isabela saw him, she would look at him differently. That this would all fall apart. That he wouldn't be able to look at himself in the mirror at all without thinking he was a mere shadow of who he was. He shouldn't have let it matter, but it did. He shouldn't care about what she thought about him, but he did.

She was different. When she looked at him, he felt…strong, fierce. He never wanted her to look at him with disgust…or worse, pity.

Hawke rose from his armchair at hearing the door. He tried to take a deep breath as Bodahn let Isabela inside, watching her look over the Estate in appreciation. She smiled when her eyes met his and his heart skipped a beat. Maker, Maker, he prayed, please let this go well.

"You're looking luscious, this evening, Hawke," Isabela smirked as she crossed the room to his side, "Your face always looks so lovely by a fire, I imagine the rest of your skin does too."

Hawke blushed slightly as he kissed her cheek, "Come on, dinner is nearly ready."

"Spoilsport," she teased, "I can never convince you to go for dessert first."

oOoOoOo

Hawke was more relaxed after dinner, settling into her company. She did have the most beautiful laugh. He wanted to just kiss her, to kiss her fingers and palms, and for none of what he had to say to matter. He wanted her to smile like that and kiss him again.

Hawke led her up to his bedroom, Isabela unusually affectionate by holding his hand.

The fireplace was already lit as night grew in around them. Isabela kissed him softly as they stood by the fire, her hands cupping his face.

"There's something I want to tell you," Hawke admitted quietly, "Before any of this can happen. I've wanted to…so badly, Bela. I've wanted you since I first saw you. But I've been so afraid."

"What is it, Hawke?" Isabela smirked, "Don't tell me you're a virgin. Are you? Because that would be adorable."

Hawke laughed, "No, that's not quite it. I…I don't look like…I'm…"

Isabela's face softened, "Whatever it is, Hawke, you can tell me."

Hawke said gently, "I was born a girl. I mean, I wasn't…but I guess that's what you can call it. I don't look like what people think a man looks like, not underneath my clothes. But I want you to see me, I want you to know what I look like."

"You don't have to," Isabela reassured, "Not if you're not ready."

Hawke smiled, "As ready as I'm going to be."

Hawke took off his shirt first, the binding visible around his chest. He took this off slowly before moving to his pants. He took these off, as well as his small clothes, and stood naked before her in front of the fire.

"What can I touch and what can I call it?" Isabela asked softly.

Hawke blushed, taking her hand in his, "These…I am okay calling them breasts…but it is my chest."

Isabela ran her hand down his chest, her hand open, not cupping or grasping, but the same as she did running her hand down his stomach. He smiled at this as she pulled her hand away.

Hawke bowed his head as he lead her hand again, "I don't like being touched inside, but I like my lips and clit touched. You can call them that. When we're together, I'd like to wear my cock too, but I wanted you to see me like this too."

Isabela moved her hands to his face and kissed him. Hawke was surprised and kiss her back, throwing his arms around her.

Hawke said gently, "I'd like to get dress now. I'm not ready tonight."

"You let me know when you are," Isabela said, a sparkle in her eyes.

Hawke felt a flush go through his cheeks and he kissed her again, pulling her deep into his arms. They held each other awhile, Isabela nibbling on his neck, until he pulled away and dressed again. He walked her home that night. When he brought her to her room, she smiled at him again, and he felt a sense of relief go through him. She still made him feel the same.

oOoOoOo

Isabela smirked as she climbed the staircase, "I miss your place in Lowtown. It was so much more exciting."

Hawke grinned, "I think I may be able to find a different way to excite you."

Isabela turned and his heart fluttered, "Why don't you show me then, big boy?"

Hawke laughed as he chased her up the stairs.


End file.
